A part of me has always longed for some future adventure. Discontent with today I picture us living in Paris and learning French. Or I see us taking long months to live in new places, meeting new people, eating new food. Or the most limited version is a dream of a smaller vacation that will be rounding the corner, always rounding the corner. Where to next? It’s a part of me I’m constantly trying to wrestle down and tame. This idea of adventure often takes from me the beauty of today. What could be, has overshadowed all that is.
I have friends who know this beast within them and they live by its noisy rules. The beast of adventures ahead, who’s growl removes one from presence.
I’ve never quite known how to quiet the beast, especially on slow and mundane days. Sometimes I’ve indulged it and ignored my perfect two-year-old to dream about and research a life in Asia. Or on a farm. Or in New York. Or in Israel. I’ve missed the moments that I’ll one day long for because of some far off, sure to be unfulfilling, dream.
So I battle on. Until recently, when the beast has gone quiet. I have no idea why, except in part because I’m back at work and busier and in part because I’m off Instagram. But my mind sags in relief. The nagging noise saying this isn’t enough has shushed for now.
We were planning on going to Japan and I could take it or leave it. Maybe we will, I’m not desperate for it though. For once it doesn’t own me. I went to Disneyland with Colette and it was perfect. I rode the tea cups which I hate, but it was enough. While she naps I relish the silence both within and beyond. Deep breaths today.
Thank God.