Snapchat is forcing me into a premature mid life crisis, at 28. I don’t use facebook much, but I really like instagram. I like its simplicity, just some friend’s photos, likes, comments, that’s it. I don’t feel pressure to keep up with it, it’s not time consuming, it’s what I want from social media. But to my horror, everyone is leaving instagram and promoting their snapchat profiles because the cool kids (and the masses) have moved on to the other party across town, and all that’s left at the instagram affair are a few stragglers and a lot of disengaged onlookers slouched in a booth in the corner too lethargic for participation.
I feel left out. I used to scoff at the snapchatters giggling over ‘snaps’ sent back and forth, ugh thank God that will never catch on. But then instagram got complicated and riddled with ads, so as social media goes this is our cue – moving on. So I mustered up the energy to download the app and log in about 4 years late, using my left hand to hold the screen away from my aging eyes and using my right pointer digit to clumsily jab at my screen one letter at a time. After the centuries worth of login information I was in…I think. Swipe right, or left, hold it down, pick an animal, snap her individually, snap everyone, hold his name and see a photo representing each moment of his day. Each. Moment. I was sucked iiiin - cool Chinese food, yeah that does look like a boring drive, haha your face is on fire, wow I almost feel like I’m at the concert and BONUS that snap just blew out my iphone speakers!
One needs to set a timer on their phone to check snapchat on a regular basis lest the masses of information build up, snappers snap, all the time. The only thing I really like is my friend Alli who direct snaps me (as they say) with all the weird dog faces and they make me laugh. So I login once a month, watch Alli with puppy ears, swipe around a bit and log out, all my snapping desires satisfied. But it bothers me that I can’t get into it, I feel the pressure of society moving on and I’m still in the corner playing with my Tamagotchi and logging into my aol account. What is one to do? I’m already at risk of getting out of touch because of the nature of my personality and my hatred for time consuming pixelated tasks. I can’t even aggregate the energy to get venmo so I make Trever do it for me, or I write my friends checks they never cash because the gas to the bank costs more than the $4 payback for coffee. My phone overwhelms me, I leave text messages unopened for days because I can’t be bothered to send a one word reply about dinner plans. I won’t even buy a kindle because I don’t believe in it since I like paper and don't care that books cost more.
Someone just put me in the grave, I was made for another time.
You see what I mean, I'm out of touch and I'm trying to like snapchat so I feel young again and it's not working. On the bright side, it's cheaper than a boob job.
My snapchat is brookehoehne, Snap me bae! … no I can’t.